Monday, November 17, 2008

The cycles of motherhood is never ending.....

I cannot seem to catch up lately. My heap of laundry is now a mountain. I have two . Dirty mountain and clean wrinkled mountain. Somehow chronic exhausting has set in and I can just barely keep it all together this past week. The kids are no problem and actually have been angels. I am just so beyond exhaustion. I am sure it is all my fault. So last night I was wondering if I have insomnia rather than being a night owl. I am just not tired late at night. Last night I was a couch potato and just layed on the couch and watched back to back episodes of Desperate Housewives and back to back of Brother's and sisters. I did not even drink a whole cosmopolitan. Now that is messed up. I just did not have the energy to pick up the glass. I just vegged and laughed even if it was not that funny. Well it does not take much to amuse me.
So as I watched Brother's and sister's there was a part where the character was afraid to have her heart broken by yet another disappointment. She is trying to have a baby and attempt after attempt have failed. They now resorted to adoption but she wanted to make sure the birth mom had completely decided. Anyway she was crying and said " I am afraid to have my heart broken " Her husband responded. " If you are not ready to have your heart broken then you are not ready to be a parent "
You know that made so much sense and I started to think that when Pravan hurt me recently and I cried and felt like my world of motherhood the little experience i had in it was all falling apart.Now I know that being pregnant with the heart burn, morning sickness and restlessness and discomfort was just the warm up. That is followed by painful childbirth and having your body stretch and change in ways I could never have imagine. If that was not bad enough we were handed a brand new baby that was naked, hungry and screamed bloody murder when it needed something. There was no manual to follow, no directions that I tossed aside thinking i can figure this out on my own. There was no bank account that came with it or a box of tissues. Well it gets better right. This bundle of joy is what everyone wants to see the minute you pop it out. Who cares about the mom and dad. Oh is that a good baby they ask over and over again. So what if it cries then it is bad, if it is quiet and sleeps through the night it is good. Well that is the society we live in. So all the cooiing and ahhhing is over and now you settle into a routine only to be awoken by a brand new cry and no matter how fast you move it will never be fast enough. No matter how you try to block its bottom with a diaper guaranteed it will poop or pee after you wipe its butt and have a new diaper on it. This can be repeated a few times. So now you are tired and as soon as you lay down it screams again. AHHHH!!!! That diaper dictator !
Okay so we move on it sleeps through the night now. It can roll over and crawl. That is great except it gets into everything and you haven;t begun childproofing as all you can do is keep up with remembering to brush your teeth that day. So we now at the one year milestone and it falls after wobbling like Bambi. Come on even animals learn to walk instantly and most are abandoned and fend for themselves but us humans we are tied to the hip by this other human for what eighteen years. So when it falls it breaks your HEART ! That is the the beginning. Well you move through the " terrific two's " , the independent stage and the tantrums. They can now voice their opinion and run ahead of you with you trailing behind just to grab them by their collars to protect them. Just one second too late and they would be run over by the car. Then you had your heart in your hands. It all works out and still as many times it has gone un-noticed that my heart and your heart has been broken by this precious human being called your child there is never a moment more heart breaking when they are six. When now Pravan is his own little person and has his own feelings and can make decisions. Not always good or approved but the temper and anger that can come from that results in defiance, and pushing the mom to the limits. That I have had to learn how to grow with and accept. After last night I have and I am growing. I now understand the true meaning to being a mother. My heart will be broken over and over again but it is wonderful to know that the child will always love you and you will always love the child. No matter what and how many times you get your heart broken by your child remember that the road of motherhood is a very trying journey that can be very rewarding.
I have a long way to go but it should be better the next time my heart is crushed by my little man and next by my little lady. I love every minute of this journey even though at the time I think it is impossible to love the trials and errors of motherhood. I can look back and learn and give myself a pat on the back as I did the best I knew how at the time and the next time will be better. So give yourself a pat on the back if you have read this far and if you have kids and grand kids. It is a job that should be better recognized and there is no job more important than raising the future.
I took these pictures last year at a laundromat. I wanted to teach the kids that we are blessed to have a washer and dryer and show them that a lot of people have to go to a laundromat and do their laundry. I also reminded them that I needed to have a reminder of feeling blessed as I grew up washing the clothes by hand totally on a wash stone outside and then hanging them up to dry. When I first asked the lady if I could stick the kids in the washer she gave me the strangest look. She must have that that I was insane and I was convinced with her hesitation she was going to call the cops on me. She did call her boss to get permission. She told me I could as long as I did not turn the washer or dryer on. I did mention that I just wanted to take a picture the first time I asked. Anyway her hesitation was understandable. I have a series of pictures like this as I am planning on making a book on motherhood as a gift to the grandparents. I have been working on it for almost a year now as there are several crazy kind of pics I have in mind. Thanks for stopping by.


Anonymous said...

OMGosh. I think I need a Kleenex. You hit this nail so powerfully well right on the head. I'm with you from the get go with the laundry (as I turn slowly around and look towards the kitchen where my laundry is sitting because it IS laundry day and I haven't even sorted it)all the way to the bitter, semi-sweet, sweet end. I "get" it. Rock on sister.

Melissa S said...

Oh wow. Soo true. I am chuckling though that you took pics of your kids at the the dryer!!!!

Laramie said...

Just relax a little and try not to let you little one's push your buttons. Children are children and will alway test us and push us as far as they can until we resist. That's how they learn about boundries. Give them limits and be consistant. As mothers we all have our days were we feel we did a good job that day and the one's where we felt we could have done better. Lean on your friends and other Moms. Love the photo's. Enjoyed our tallk yesterday sorry I had to go. I'm not much of a phone talker but enjoy face to face conversations. Your gonna make it!