Friday, October 17, 2008

Terrible, terrible, horrible, no good day very bad day !

If there was a day in my entire motherhood that I was ever completely crushed by my child it would be today. If this is how I get myself to be lazy and sip on a cup of tea then I no longer want a mellow morning. It has been my goal for the entire year to sit on the couch and do nothing after Pravan gets on the bus and every lazy day was an incredibly busy one. My friends all laugh as I seriously cannot relax and slow down.
This morning Pravan and I argued about everything. I was talking to him about making choices and picking the right one. He still can;t seem to get the naked images out of his head and I am scared. I am worried about him being disturbed. I am so freaked out and have no idea how to deal with this. On top of that he says that he cannot get things out of his mind. He can't stop saying bad words. So as I was talking to him he said I can't stop saying bad words in my mind. " Like what ? " He replied. " I can't stop saying shut up mommy !, stupid mommy, what the hell mommy ! "
I was completely devastated. My heart sank so low that I could not even look at him. He walked out the front door and headed for the driveway. I sunk into my chair and tears rolled down my cheek. I had to process all of this. I then got up open the front door and called for him. As he ran toward me he had tears rolling down his cheek and I could tell he was sad and bothered. I asked him why he was crying and here was his response. "Mommy I did not mean those things I was thinking, I just can't stop the mean thoughts and I know it was wrong, just make it go away. I am so sorry for hurting your feelings " I have always told Pravan that it was worse to disappoint me than it was to make me mad and finally he undestood what that meant. He melted my heart because he is a great kid and now has some issues after being exposed to a few rotten apples. Well it is a cruel world and I cannot protect him and keep him in a bubble.
He got on the bus and I just layed on the couch and let Priyasha watch cartoons. It was her lucky day. Finally she asked me " mommy why are you sad ? " I said don't worry about it. " Did brother hurt your feelings ? " she questioned. I gave her a hug and then we played for a little. That was so sweet and she is so in tune with everything going on. I could not stop feeling hurt and sad. I made an appointment with Dr Colombo and pulled Pravan out of school. Some may think I am over reacting and maybe I was but my friend Suzanne said " You are in shock as you have perfect kids " That was a powerful statement and I had to think about that. That was an incredibly wonderful compliment and she was right. She was so sweet and watched Priyasha so I could focus at the doctor's office.
The paediatrician talked with Pravan and told him that if he spoke his bad thoughts then no body would like him and that it would hurt peoples feelings as well. He also told him that body parts are private and we need to respect that and what he witnessed was a wrong thing and he was right in reporting it tot he teacher and to me. He also told him that he was not in trouble and that privacy is an important thing and we all have the same parts. It meant a lot coming from Dr. Colombo as Pravan looks up to him. I do not think I could have explained all this as well as the doctor did nor would it have carried as much weight coming from me. I knew seeing the doctor was the right thing to do.
Yesterday when we were int he grocery store Pravan commented loudly about a few ladies that were within hearing distance about the size of their butts. Another time I wanted to dig a hole and die. luckily the woman did not respond. They shot me dagger eyes though. I grabbed the kids and ran the other way. As we left the store there was a police car in the parking lot. I had a genius idea. If I scare my kid then he will stop this non sense. I walked over and as soon as I did I wished I had not . " What can I do for you mam ? " He asked in gruff voice. He was a big guy and was so stern. I quivered with fear and felt like a tiny marshmallow. " I have a problem with my son and if I tole you what it was can you talk to him ? " I asked with a shaky voice. " How old is your son ? " " Six " I said. " No mam, that is not a police issue, it is a parenting issue " All I could hear him say was " You are a bad mother , you need to deal with whatever the issue is . Well I did not know at that time but knew that if someone with authority could talk to him it would get better. Well the next person in line was hi doctor and I think it helped Pravan understand his feelings better.
The doctor also told me that he can see the fear and concern in my face and that I needed to relax. Any ideas on how I can . I swear i am going to get a heart attack as I worry more than I need to. He also told me to walk away with the positive from this and that was the fact that my six year old is so mature. He is mature enough to control his thoughts. We all have bad thoughts and he is normal, observant and growing. The doctor is right. Pravan is still a perfect wonderful child and he is normal. I feel better too. I will distract him when he talks about stuff he is thinking and when he talks about butts etc. It could be worse he could be yelling those nasty tings to me and mean them but he is not. Well it has been a long, trying emotional day. I treated Pravan to a fruit smoothie after the doctor and I re-assured him that I love him and appreciate his honesty. I feel blessed that I have a child that is so open and tells me everything. If this continues I will have to embrace myself as he will tell me things I may not want to know. Thank you for following my trial and error in motherhood. Please suggest ways for me to relax...

Album I created

Here is a sample of the album I made for Alexandra. I whipped it up on Wednesday morning. It was a lot of fun to create. I used several Technique Tuesday stamps, stickles, flowers, ribbons and a paper pack with great colors. Alexandra has two boys so I wanted it to look a little masculine for her to add pictures of the favorite men in her life.